Strangers: A Memoir of Marriage-Bella Burden, author
How does a marriage dissolve? Is it a sudden event or does it slowly occur over time without anyone really noticing the cause if they aren’t looking for it? Belle Burden wonders as she dissects the dissolution of her own marriage, with a fine-tooth comb, why did this happen to them, how did it happen to them, and yet, there are no real answers to her questions. She was simply happily married one day, and the next, she was being divorced by the husband she believed she would grow old with, by the man she believed loved her completely, by her soul mate, the man she trusted with everything in her life. She had no warning at all. Bizarrely, it happened in the middle of a terrible pandemic when one would think they would be taking care of each other, first and foremost. Instead, in the space of only a few minutes, out of the blue came a text from a stranger about his wife and her husband. Suddenly, there were more than two people in their marriage bed. There were strangers coming between them and she was powerless to stop them.
Belle blamed herself at first, wondering what she might have done wrong to make him stray to someone else. Wasn’t that the usual question everyone asked? Also, she wondered, was this the first affair or had there actually been others? How long had he been unfaithful? Did that really matter? Could she forgive him if he confessed and swore he was sorry? Her parents had forgiven their spouses for their infidelity. Would James even want to be forgiven? What would he want, what would he say? Was their marriage over? What had broken into their marriage of two decades and three children that would destroy it? What had broken in James to make him want to give up what she thought was their happy life? Would she ever find out?
Fortunately for Belle, as time slowly passed, she became stronger and began to accept her plight and to recover her own independence and courage. She took on new challenges, but her metamorphosis did not come easily. It took time. She lost weight, became depressed, was left with all of the responsibility for the children, the dog and the homes, while James was still managing their finances and threatening to give her nothing if she defied him.
At first, he had promised to be magnanimous, but he changed before her eyes. Foolishly, Belle, believing they had a relationship that would never end, had signed a prenup that he wanted, a prenup that allowed him to amass his own fortune, and also share in hers, while she would not be able to share in his. She thought he would never betray her; she thought he would always share with her, as she shared with him. She defied her legal advisors in favor of him, not wanting to hurt his feelings. She was wrong, it turned out to be a big mistake. The man she thought she knew had turned into someone she did not know at all. This man wanted to abandon his responsibilities and have a different life altogether. He didn’t seem to care much about what happened to her or to his children, yet he seemed to remain a loving parent, albeit one who wanted his distance.
Belle Burden had come from a charmed life, in many respects, but she also came from a broken home in many other ways. Her ancestry was of the rich and famous, the entitled and revered by the press and the world at large, the adored by those that enjoyed the social scene of the elites, the wealthy able to change mates like underwear and still be forgiven. It was an accepted fact that wealthy and powerful men would cheat on their spouses, get away with it, and the wife would be blamed for being inadequate in some way. She would be forced to remain silent, so he would not retaliate. Eventually, he would go on to play at life, and she would go on to raise the kids, live within the means he afforded her, and keep quiet about it so he would not punish her in any way, financially.
Because of her background with boarding schools, divorce in the family, and the frenetic social scene, Belle had withdrawn a bit and had been a shy young girl. When she met James her worldview blossomed, and she was as happy as a clam. He was handsome, successful, seemingly very caring and loving, their sexual attraction was amazing, and overall, he was more than she ever thought she deserved or would have in life. As a result, she became even more willing to share everything with him. She was naïve. She ignored legal advice, signing the prenup document that favored him and neglected her. She never thought her James would betray her, never manipulate her or deceive her. She gave all of the responsibility for their finances to him and allowed him to control everything important. Meanwhile, he was amassing a fortune of his own, while he happily shared hers. Belle had no idea that James was earning millions of dollars.
Belle knew that James had once had some problems in his past, but she thought it was just his past. When his personality changed, she was surprised and confused. Then friends took sides, some with him, some with her. The men in the club scene found the whole thing amusing. That shocked her. While her life was up in the air, they were helping James take advantage of her and the children, and they were laughing about it. It was a joke to them, a game they often played with the women they deceived. When James became vindictive, she could see that some of their so-called friends had encouraged him. He was doing what they considered acceptable. She was no longer a commodity in the social world with everyone, and invitations were select and fewer than before. Even James’ family rejected her in order to support him, though he was definitely wrong, and she was the injured party.
As the weeks and months passed, Belle regained her own independent spirit and was determined to fight back against this unfair power of the men who seemed to be in charge. Although she had signed the prenup and expected to lose that fight, she wanted the world to know what had happened to her, to warn other women of her plight so they might avoid it, to help those who came after her. The cards were stacked against her, but she was determined to try and make it a fair fight. This book is the result of that effort. It is the most honest appraisal of the unraveling of a marriage. It is written with clarity and determination to illustrate the inequity of the system when it comes to divorce. It is not over emotional, but rather it is factual. Belle was shocked to discover that even when she was able to pull herself together to fight back, she would often need the approval of James to move ahead. The fact that he had committed adultery, had abandoned his family and refused to engage in any conversation or give reasons, it still did not make him the villain. She was somehow victim and villain tied up in one body.
This memoir is written without anger, without venom, without the need for vengeance or retribution. Belle remains unspoiled throughout, in spite of her background in the world of fame and fortune. She is never vindictive, but rather, she only wants what is fair for her and her children. Will James be able to come to the table to discuss these issues or will he behave like a bully? Will he once again, as he did when he was a teenager, push the envelope because now he has the power to control it?
Belle’s memoir is raw in its presentation of the facts, and often I wondered how she maintained her own dignity during the process. It unfolded day after day as if in a never-ending nightmare. She sometimes wondered if James would repent and return. She had dreams, she had nightmares. Did she ever really know this man, or was he truly always a stranger?
In contrast to the breakup of James and Belle, with the end of their love story, there is a side-by-side story about the true love and devotion that is shared by the Ospreys that live on their Martha’s Vineyard property. This book is a tool for those who are experiencing the same shock of a marriage dissolving and a salve for those who have suffered in the same way in the past. They are not alone. She has put their plight on the map and made the world aware of it.