The Heart of Winter, Jonathan Evison, author; Kimberly Farr, narrator
The layers of the onion that described the Winter family were peeled back as Abe and Ruth were followed from their initial meeting until their ultra old age as they sit contentedly, side by side, on their porch, in their rocking chairs. The challenges they faced over the seven decades of their marriage were challenges we can all identify with, especially if we are at or near their age. Their challenges are not over, however. Times have changed, however, in the past 70 years, and there are those that will conclude this book is depressing, and even hokie, but if they do that, they will miss the point that there is always a future to contemplate. The future desired, after a certain age, is different. It is one of stability, serenity and comfort, it is a one that simply wants the company of those with whom we share our lives. The body and the mind no longer need or desire extraordinary stimulation. The body and the mind simply want to be at home, smelling the roses and the coffee with each other.
The Winters met in the early 1950’s, while both were at the University. In Washington. It was a time when women largely looked for an MRS degree, but not Ruth Warneke; she had higher aspirations. She wanted to see the world. Abe, on the other hand, wanted a traditional home life, right where he was! When the romance, which at first seemed destined to failure, blossomed because of the perseverance of Abe Winter, Ruth’s dreams were interrupted. She found herself in a compromised position. Abe was not concerned; he was overjoyed. He had never thought that he would win the heart of this wonderful young woman he had been courting, and this meant that he had indeed succeeded! They immediately married and Karen was followed by Ann, Kyle and after a ten- year hiatus, Maddie. They had moved to Bainbridge Island, beautiful, but also a bit boring. Locked in the world of baby talk, she grew restless. Ruth had to sow some wild oats. Eventually, mistakes were made followed by a myriad of ups and downs. The sixties, when they were bringing up their children, brought with it a changing culture. It shattered many families as drugs, sexuality, open marriages, protests, and defiant teenagers were suddenly center stage. The author does not dwell on these themes. The Winter family works through all of their difficulties together, through all of the traumas they are forced to face, but those who lived through that time will certainly be reminded of them and will assign appropriate responsibility to whatever happened as our values and mores were challenged, reevaluated and altered. America was changing.
This is the story of a marriage that comes of age. For me, the book really focused more on Ruth and her coping skills, since Abe was comfortable in the world of men in those days. His expectations were fulfilled. He worked and provided for the family while Ruth provided for him. She created the family. As the onionskin is peeled away, the gradual changes that took us all to 2024 are illustrated with a clarity that only someone gifted with experience and insight can manage. Indeed, the author has experienced a life similar to this one, in certain ways.
For those of us who can identify with the Winters, this book touches a nerve. The author has managed to illustrate the lives of this family without prejudging them for 70 years. They are authentic and relatable. Still, there is not an adult a parent, or even a child that looks forward to having the tables turned so that the parent becomes the child and the child becomes the parent. Is this role reversal inevitable? Is there a way to prevent the loss of one’s dignity and independence, as our body and mind begin to fail us as a matter of course? When the dog, Megs, is so old and frail that she has to be put down, every reader will wonder whether or not there should be a similar way for us to leave this mortal coil peacefully, or whether it behooves us to fight on to live at any cost, regardless of any pain or consequences for ourselves and others.
Not all readers will have experienced the same joys or sadness, milestones or tragedies, but each will surely know of someone who has been touched in just the same ways. The book is insightful, intuitive and prescient. As life nears its end, we all know the end is far harder than the beginning when we experienced blissful ignorance. As Abe and Ruthie reflect back on their lives, some readers will see disappointment, some contentment and satisfaction, about a life well-lived, a relationship well-loved. Ruthie gave up her dreams to raise a family, Abe gave up his ambition to support that family. Tolerance, compromise, respect, cooperation, compassion, and conversation seemed to overcome every nuance of all aspects of their life. It was a recipe for success as each became the pillar they could lean on when necessary. They overcame their political differences, their different personalities and different dreams. They survived personal trauma and tragedy. They continued to love and support each other through thick and thin, and did not discard each other like heads of lettuce at the slightest provocation. What more can anyone ask for in life?
The double entendre meaning of the title becomes apparent when the final page is turned. This book is about the lives of the Winter family, and also, it is about the winter of their lives, a season we all hope to reach without becoming a burden or a dependent. At the age of 90 and 88, the stodgy and critical Abe, who takes the path of least resistance and is often given to introspection and so recognizes many of his faults, and the less complaining, more imaginative, experimental and creative Ruth who wants less confrontation and is often given to forgiveness, with children who are now old, as well, have found that moment in time, their own nirvana. It wasn’t easy, but it was simply life, a life in which there was confusion, infidelity, devotion, transparency, honesty, missteps, parenting, and the consequences of the changing times and of aging, a life in which both actually equally sacrificed for each other.