Introduction

THE "GENIUS" (Cosmopolitan) NATIONAL BESTSELLER ON THE ART OF CARING LESS AND GETTING MORE--FROM THE AUTHOR OF GET YOUR SH*T TOGETHER AND YOU DO YOU

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Excerpt

INTRODUCTION

If you're like me, you've been giving too many fucks about too many things for too long. You're overextended and overburdened by life. Stressed out, anxious, maybe even panic-stricken about your commitments.

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck is for all of us who work too much, play too little, and never have enough time to devote to the people and things that truly make us happy.

I was almost thirty years old when I began to realize it was possible to stop giving so many fucks, but I was nearly forty before I figured out how to make it happen on a grand scale. This book is a culmination of everything I've learned about not giving a fuck, a testament to the pleasure it has brought me, and a step-by-step guide for those wishing to free themselves from the shackles of fuck-giving in pursuit of healthier, happier lives.

If the title sounds familiar, congratulations! You haven't been living under a rock as The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Japanese decluttering expert Marie Kondo has climbed bestseller lists all over the world. Millions of people have discovered her two-step KonMari Method, discarding items that do not "spark joy" and then organizing the ones they have left. The result is a clean, tranquil living space that, Ms. Kondo claims, promotes transformation even outside the home.

So what does a Japanese book about tidying up have to do with my manifesto on not giving a fuck?

Why, I thought you'd never ask!

As prim, genteel, and effective at organizing your physical clutter as Ms. Kondo is, I've got something else in store for you…

Tidying up your fuck drawer

In the summer of 2015 I quit my job at a major publishing house, a career that had been fifteen years in the making, to start my own business as a freelance editor and writer. The day I walked out of my high-rise office building—sliding down that corporate ladder faster than a stripper down the last pole of the night—I eliminated a whole category of fucks I had previously given to supervisors, coworkers, my commute, my wardrobe, my alarm clock, and more.

I stopped giving a fuck about Sales Conference. I stopped giving a fuck about "business-casual" and "town-hall meetings." I stopped keeping track of my vacation days like a prisoner tallying her sentence in hash marks on the cell-block wall.

Once I was released from the yoke of corporate ennui, I naturally had a bit of time on my hands and the freedom to spend it as I wished. I slept until I was damn well ready to get up, ate lunch with my husband, worked on a freelance gig or two (or maybe went to the beach), and avoided the New York City subway as much as humanly possible.

I also read The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. As a generally tidy person, I didn't think I was in dire need of Ms. Kondo's advice, but I'm always looking for ways to make my apartment look more like Real Simple magazine—and, hey, my time was my own to work, nap, or declutter as I saw fit.

Well, let me tell you, this little book works as advertised. It was almost… dare I say… magic?

Within hours, I had KonMari'd my husband's sock drawer, which involves getting rid of socks you don't like and never wear (or, in this case, socks I knew he didn't like and never wore), then refolding the rest to look like little soldiers standing at attention, so when you next open the drawer, you can see all of them in one glance. After viewing the results, my husband—who'd initially thought I was batshit crazy to spend my time organizing his sock drawer—was a convert. He did the rest of his drawers and his closet all by himself the very next day.

If you haven't read Marie Kondo's book, allow me to explain why we were so motivated to do this work.

Beyond discarding items of clothing we no longer need or enjoy (and therefore being excited about all of our remaining options), we've decreased the time spent figuring out what to wear (because we can see everything in a single drawer with one look), nothing gets "lost" in a drawer anymore (because we follow Ms. Kondo's method of stand-up folding), and we do a lot less laundry (because we haven't tricked ourselves into thinking we're "out" of clothes when in fact the good stuff was just crumpled up in the back of the bureau under the pants that don't fit).

In other words: Life is significantly better now that we can see all of our socks. And I ran around for weeks evangelizing to anybody who would listen (and many who would not).

Suddenly, with all the job-quitting and sock-tidying, I found myself in a life-changing kind of mood!

As I contemplated my exceptionally tidy home, I felt more peaceful, sure. I like a clear surface and a well-organized kitchen cabinet. But it was the freedom I felt from leaving a job I wasn't happy in—and being able to add people and things and events and hobbies that made me happy back into my life—that truly sparked joy. These were things that had been displaced not by twenty-two pairs of balled-up socks, but by too many obligations and too much mental clutter.

That's when I realized… it's not really about the socks, is it?

Don't get me wrong, I admire Marie Kondo for starting a revolution of decluttering physical spaces to bring more joy to one's life. It worked on me, and it's clearly working on millions of people around the world. But as she says in her book, "Life truly begins after you have put your house in order."

Well, I put my house in order. The real magic happened when I focused on my fucks.

Let's back up a little bit.

The art of mental decluttering

I was a born fuck-giver. Maybe you are too.

As a self-described overachieving perfectionist, I gave my fucks liberally all throughout my childhood and adolescence. I tackled numerous projects, tasks, and standardized tests in order to prove myself worthy of respect and admiration from my family, friends, and even casual acquaintances. I socialized with people I did not like in order to appear benevolent; I performed jobs that were beneath me in order to appear helpful; I ate things that disgusted me in order to appear gracious. In short, I gave way too many fucks for far, far too long.

This was no way to live.

The first time I met someone who just didn't give a fuck was in my early twenties. We'll call him Jeff. A successful business owner with a large circle of friends, Jeff simply could not be bothered to do things he didn't want to do. And yet, he was widely liked and respected. He didn't show up to your toddler's dance recital or to watch you cross the finish line at your seventeenth 5K, but it was okay, because that was just him, you know? He was a perfectly nice, sociable, and well-thought-of guy, but he clearly reserved his fucks for things that were especially important to him—having a close relationship with his kids, playing golf, catching Jeopardy! every night. The rest of it?

Could. Not. Give. A. Fuck.

And he always seemed so positively self-satisfied and, well, happy.

Huh, I often thought to myself after spending time with him. I wish I could be more like Jeff.

Later, in my midtwenties, I had a downstairs neighbor who was an absolute nightmare. But for some reason I cared enough about his opinion of me to submit to his insane requests (like the time he corralled a friend to stomp around my apartment in high-heeled boots while I listened with him from his living room below, hearing nothing, but gamely agreeing that it was "a little noisy").

He was clearly unhinged—so why did it matter if he liked me or not? In retrospect, I should have stopped giving a fuck about Mr. Rosenberg the first time he accused my roommate of "heavy exercising" in the bedroom above his… when my roommate had been traveling in Europe for two weeks.

Then, nearing thirty, I got engaged and started planning a wedding—an act that demands a veritable cornucopia of fucks given: the budget, the venue, the catering, the dress, the photos, the flowers, the band, the guest list, the invitations (wording and thickness thereof), the vows, the cake, and everything else—the list goes on. Many of these things I truly cared about, but some of them I didn't; and yet, I gave each and every one of them a fuck because I didn't know any better. I became so stressed out that I was about as far from self-satisfied and happy as it gets. By the time the Big Day rolled around, I had migraines, a persistent stomachache, and a case of hives the same rosy pink as the floral detail on my gown.

Looking back, was arguing with my husband over playing "Brown-Eyed Girl" at the reception really worth my time (or his)?

Had minute attention to detail re: the selection of passed hors d'oeuvres really been necessary when I didn't get to eat any of them because they were passed during our photos?

Nope.

But—and here's where the tide turned ever so slightly—I had won one small victory: I may have had to give a fuck about the guest list (because I definitely gave a fuck about the budget), but you know what I never gave a fuck about? Seating charts!

In deciding that all of my wedding guests were grown-ass adults who didn't need my help in choosing a seat for the privilege of being fed, soused, and entertained on my dime, I had eliminated hours—perhaps a dozen or more—of poring over the event-space schematics and moving aunts, uncles, and plus-ones around like beads on a goddamn abacus. Win!

After the wedding fuckscapade, I was exhausted. I'd been pushed to my breaking point. Yet I'd also seen a silver lining in that abandoned seating chart. I knew that seating charts were supposed to matter to me, but they didn't. Instead of putting that feeling of obligation ahead of my own personal preference, I'd just decided not to give a fuck and let the butts land where they may. And did anyone complain to the blushing bride? No, they did not.

Hmm…

Little by little over the next several years, I stopped giving a fuck about small things that annoyed me. I RSVP'd "no" to a couple of after-work mixers. I unfriended some truly irritating people on Facebook. I refused to suffer through another "reading" of your "play."

And little by little, I started feeling better. Less burdened. More peaceful. I hung up on telemarketers; I said no to a weekend trip with toddlers; I stopped watching season 2 of True Detective after only one episode. I was becoming my true self, able to focus more on people and things that actually, as Marie Kondo might say, sparked joy.

Soon, I realized I had my own insights to share with regard to life-changing magic.

Brings you joy? Then by all means, keep giving a fuck.

But perhaps the more pertinent question is: Does it annoy?

If so, you need to stop giving a fuck, posthaste. And I can show you how.

I've developed a program for decluttering and reorganizing your mental space by not giving a fuck, wherein not giving a fuck means not spending time, energy, and/or money on things that neither make you happy nor improve your life (annoy), so that you have moretime, energy, and/or money to devote to the things that do (bring joy).

I call it the NotSorry Method. It has two steps:

1. Deciding what you don't give a fuck about

2. Not giving a fuck about those things

And of course, "Not Sorry" is how you should feel when you've accomplished this.

My method is quite simple—and this book offers you the tools and perspective to master it, and to radically improve your day-to-day existence. In fact, once you begin implementing NotSorry, you'll never want or need to give an extraneous fuck ever again.

The magic of not giving a fuck

In this book, you will learn:

• Why giving a fuck about what other people think is your worst enemy—and how to stop doing it

• How to sort your fucks into categories for ease in identifying annoy vs. joy

• Simple criteria for whether or not you should give a fuck (e.g., "Does this affect anyone other than me?")

• The keys to not giving a fuck without being an asshole

• The importance of making (and sticking to) a Fuck Budget

• How mastering the art of giving fewer, better fucks can transform your life

• And much, much more!

Just think about how much better your life would be if you could say no to things you really don't give a fuck about and have more time, energy, and money to say yes to the things you do.

For example, when I stopped giving a fuck about putting on makeup before leaving my apartment just to go to the grocery store, I gained ten leisurely minutes to sit on my couch and read the Us Weekly I'd just bought at said grocery store.

Or, when I stopped giving a fuck about going to baby showers—an activity I positively loathe—I gained untold Sunday afternoons of freedom!

And all that time I save by not going to baby showers? Well, first, I pour myself a double shot of Patrón, and then it's only a few clicks on Giggle.com to order a shiny new breast pump for the mother-to-be, after which I raise a glass to my college roommate's Cabo Wabo Spring Break '98 wet T-shirt contest–winning boobs.

Fare thee well, ladies!

Ten minutes online versus four hours of diaper-decorating games and virgin punch? For me, it's a no-brainer. For you, baby showers could be a fuck-worthy activity, while it's, I don't know, prowling yard sales every weekend with your deal-seeking significant other that brings you no end of annoy.

The specifics don't matter. What matters is, if you follow my NotSorry Method for not giving a fuck, your spirit will be lighter, your calendar will be clearer, and your time and energy will be spent on only the things and people you enjoy.

It's life-changing. Swear to God. view abbreviated excerpt only...

Discussion Questions

1. Congratulations on finishing The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck. Did it bring you joy? Why or why not? Either way, were you surprised to discover some of the things in your mental barn that you did give a fuck about? Share some of them with your fellow book club members and explain what it is about those things, people, tasks, or events that bring you joy.

2. We’ll be talking a lot about the NotSorry Method. What is it? How have you been able to implement it in your life? While you were reading, did you create a list of things you decided not to give a fuck about? Great. Now that you’ve finished The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, have you successfully stopped giving a fuck about that stuff? Where have you decided to spend your fucks instead?

3. Even if the book brought you tons of joy, you may still be wondering “Does not giving a fuck make me selfish?” Well, yes. Yes, it does. Go back to page 20 and read it again starting with “it also creates a better world for everyone around you.” Think about the changes you’ve made since testing out the NotSorry Method. Although Knight’s advice may seem counterintuitive, why do you think it holds true?

4. Let’s talk personal policies! Why can they be so effective? Do you have any that you enacted after reading The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck? Share them with your book club and discuss the ways that having personal policies has helped you. Unless, of course, you have a personal policy against that.

5. Knight calls “yes” a “dirty little three-letter word” (p. 17). What do you think she means by that? Are there any other seemingly innocuous words that bring you endless annoy and little joy?

List them!

Next time you catch yourself about to utter one of these words, take a deep breath and stop. Think about what you’re about to say and ask yourself if it will bring you joy or annoy. If the latter, has reading The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck helped you be able to change direction?

6. According to Knight, “In our society, Sorry! is used as shorthand” for a wide range of things. (p. 33) Think about your life before reading The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck (B.N.G.A.F.). What were the predominant reasons that you would give an apology? How has your view of the word “sorry” changed since reading the book? Now that you’re a proud practitioner of the NotSorry method (Congrats!), when do you think it’s appropriate and not appropriate to say “I’m sorry?”

7. On the subject of money, Knight shares a Will Rogers quote: “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people that they don’t like.” (p. 175) Have you ever been guilty of doing this? Go on, get it off your chest! Why do you think this happens? Armed with the NotSorry Method, how will you avoid this trap going forward?

8. Who is Jeff (p. 7) and why is he so impressive to Sarah Knight? Is there anyone like Jeff in your life? What is it about them that you admire? What steps can you take to be more like your personal Jeff? Knight counts Serena Williams and Pat Kiernan among “the Enlightened.” Aside from your personal Jeff, is there anyone else that you would add to that list? Who?

9. Speaking of the Enlightened, Knight cites Mary Poppins as “NotSorry since 1934.” (p. 133) Why is her “spoonful of sugar” method so effective? Have you tried it? What have the results been?

10. When it comes to not giving a fuck, Knight says “Family is a fucking minefield.” (p. 48) Why is that? When you read the list of things that people don’t give a fuck about when it comes to family (p. 114), were there any that you identified with? Poll your book club to see what tops everybody else’s list.

(Do you have in-laws? On p. 116, Knight says you may have more in common with them than you realize. Try giving your in-laws copies of The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck so they can learn the NotSorry Method alongside you. What could go wrong?!)

11. Passive-aggression is bad, right? Except—according to Knight—sometimes it’s not. How does it make you “like a master of the Chinese martial art tai chi” (p. 84)? Have you practiced using it? If so, did it work?

12. Knight quotes Albert Einstein who said, “If I had an hour to solve a problem I’d spent 55 minutes thinking about the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.” (p. 46) Explain the quote. Why do you think that Knight chose to include it in her instructions about clearing your mental barn? How does it apply to the NotSorry Method?

13. You’ve read a lot about Sarah Knight’s NGAF heroes who have managed to achieve enlightenment. What’s your version of Not Giving a Fuck Nirvana?

Now go out and achieve it!


Enhance Your Book Club

1. When Knight published her essay “I Quit My Job Today. (And so can you!)”, it went viral. Read the essay (https://thecoffeelicious.com/i-quit-my-job-today- d2adfe3c048e) and discuss it with your book club. Why do you think it struck a chord with so many people? Did you identify with it? If so, how?

2. In the afterword of The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck, Knight references Hans Christian Andersen’s short story “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” If you haven’t already, read the story. Do you, like Knight, identify with the child? If you find yourself in a similar situation (or the 21st century equivalent), how will you handle it?

3. Knight credits Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up with inspiring her to create The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a Fuck calling the book “almost...dare I say...magic?” (p. 5) Read Kondo’s book. What do the two books have in common? In what ways does each author’s methodology complement the other’s? How have both books affected your life?

4. To learn more about Sarah Knight, go to her official site, https://nofucksgivenguides.com. There you can watch her TEDx Talk, read articles she’s written, find information about her other books, and sign up for her “No-Fucks-Given Newsletter.”

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